The B-Rad turns 30!

Today is my Birthday! Yay! I was born 30 years ago today. I find that very exciting! O.K. class, lets review what I’ve learned this farin life, in roughly chronological order.

1. Share.
2. Color in the lines
3. 8 X 4= 32
4. Reading is good.
5. The names of all the transformers, G.I. Joe, and Star Wars figures.
6. Girls are nice.
7. How to beat Legend of Zelda on Nintendo.
8. How to Drive.
9. The Boy Scout Oath and Law.
10. Mountain climbing is harder than you think.
11. You gotta fight for your right to Party!
12. Beer before liquor, never been sicker. Liquor before beer, in the clear.
13. I met my best friends in College.
14. I went to the right College.
15. I am the Undisputed Super-Heavyweight Champion of the World!
16. Tomatoes and mushrooms are not as bad as I thought
17. Girls are very, very nice.
18. I speak less Spanish than I should and more German than I thought.
19. Lyrics to random 80’s songs.
20. Movie quotes.
21. How to make a cheesecake.
22. Don’t date girls you work with.
23. How to tie a bow tie.
24. Biology, Microscopes, Public health, and Management.
25. How to dance Salsa.
26. Fun with facial hair!
27. How to make mojitos and guacamole.
28. Wear your life jacket.
29. I am capable of living on my own.
30. I can take care of myself, most of the time.

Today feels just the same as yesterday. Actually, I more feel well rested and not as hung-over as I did when I was 29. My parents bought me breakfast this morning at IHOP. They are in town for the weekend to celebrate with me, althought hey took off for the Keys until Friday. Alex will be in on Sunday for the craziness. Tonight I will go out to dinner with a bunch of friends. Tomorrow we are all going clubbing at the Pawnshop. It’s great! I love being the center of attention!

Seriously though, I feel very good about where I am. I think the anxiety about being 30 has to do with being unhappy with how your life has turned out thus far. I for one am very pleased with the way my life has gone. I have a loving and supportive family, who are all coming down here to celebrate on Sunday! I have many wonderful friends whom I love and admire. I am enjoying my job and school. I like where I am living, though I will move soon to somewhere that has snow. I feel very happy in my situation and with my life in general. I can only believe that it will get even better as I age, like fine wine or cheese. mmmm...cheese... It's been a great ride so far and I invite you all to stay on the rollercoaster for the next 30 years.

I recommend turning 30 to all of you.

The Fellowship: More Hike Till Your Kidneys Stop

It is always a weird feeling to enter a hospital emergency room. This was weird because I didn’t walk in, but got wheeled in on the gurney. Craig and Dave were there and followed me into the room. I was bit disappointed that they made me crawl from the gurney to the hospital bed. I wanted them to do one of those whoosh coordinated move the patient on the blanket things I see on ER. Once I was settled in the bed a flurry of activity erupted around me. Do you have insurance? What medication are you taking? Any allergies? How do you feel? They took my blood pressure, hooked me up to all kinds of monitors, and asked a ton of questions. All at a frenetic pace. At one point they gestured to Craig and Dave and asked if they were family or friends. I said family so they could stay. My brother Darryl and my other brother Darryl. There were two nurses, an aide, and a motherly lady with a laptop all in attendance. It was 5:30 pm.

This is where the hilarity began.

The nurse’s aide had to attach the heart monitor to my chest. Unfortunately the sticky little pads wouldn’t stick due to my copious amounts of chest hair. That meant she had to shave little patches for the pads. When she said this, Craig and Dave lost their concerned looks and immediately began laughing.
“Do you realize I live in Miami and will be at the beach next weekend?” I asked her.
“Sorry!” was all she said. She had the same grin on her face that Craig and Dave did, which made me doubt her sincerity. Craig took pictures of the process. From now on Craig and Dave will be referred to as the peanut gallery. They basically sat around and watched for the rest of the evening while I got poked and prodded.

A short while later the head nurse came in and said they had to take my temperature. Rectally. The peanut gallery lost all composure again upon hearing this.
“Are you sure?” I asked.
“We have to check your core temperature.” She replied. “Do you want your friends to stay for this?” She asked with the same grin the aide had earlier.
“No, they should leave!” The peanut gallery was laughing so hard I thought they would need medical attention too. I could hear them still laughing as they walked down the hall.
Another nurse came in to help. She was a hotty! Hello Nurse! The head nurse made sure I didn’t foul my IV while the new hotty nurse did the deed. After new hotty nurse told me I could roll back over she introduced herself.
“Hi Brad, I’m Amy and I’ll be taking care of you for the rest of the night.”
“Shouldn’t we have done introductions before you put that thing in my ass? Nice to make your acquaintance by the way.” Both nurses lost their professional detachment at that.

The doctor came in and told me I appeared fine, The IV was making a big difference in my appearance and how I felt. He just needed a blood test to confirm my good appearance and then I could get out of there. They took the blood and I explained to the peanut gallery that we would be out soon. We began to make plans to go and see Mount Rushmore that night when it was lit up by spotlights. The nurse recommended a restaurant out there where you could sit and overlook the monument while you ate. We broke out the cards and played gin for a while. Half an hour later a guy came to take me for a chest x-ray. What? Doctor’s orders he said. O.K. not a big deal. Twenty minutes later a guy came to ultrasound my kidneys. WHAT? Doctor’s orders he said. For some reason we all laughed every time a guy showed up for a different test without being able to tell us why I was getting it. The best was the ultrasound guy who looked like an aging hippie. He had a long grey ponytail and a total inability to steer the hospital bed through the halls. We crashed twice! He kept apologizing the whole time for taking me away from the card game.

The next visitor to the room was a woman to do an ultrasound of my bladder to see if I was filling up with all the liquid they’d pumped into me, three liters so far. More hilarity from the peanut gallery as they waited outside the curtain. The test showed I had 500 ml in the bladder so far. Shortly after that Amy came in and gave me a huge bottle to collect it when I had to pee. And a small cup as well. I had to prove I could still pee. Why a liter jug and an 80 ml cup? I don’t know. I had no trouble filling them both. Amy didn’t know why I was still there or what the extra tests were for. She did bring me a sandwich for dinner though.

Finally the doctor came in and told me that the blood tests showed that my kidneys had stopped for a while due to the heat exhaustion. That was scary. He wanted me to stay in the hospital overnight with more IV fluids just to be sure I was O.K. If a morning blood test checked out I could leave. I agreed that that was a good Idea. Total kidney failure is a permanent condition. I didn’t like the idea of dialysis for the rest of my life. The peanut gallery agreed. Just like that I became an inpatient at around 11 pm.

My insurance company will ove me for this little adventure.

Before I got out of the emergency room Amy showed up and informed me she had to give me another bladder ultrasound. Great! The peanut gallery was allowed to stay this time, with their backs turned. They giggled like four year olds the whole time, which made Amy smile and try not to laugh. She has a nice smile, so I didn’t mind. The best part came about three minutes in when she said “I’m having trouble finding your bladder.” Laughing from all of us at that point. Eventually she concluded that I was almost full again. Good times, good times.

I spent the night on the 8th floor of the hospital being woken up every two hours while the IV bag was changed. My roommate was an old man who never said a word to me or anyone else while I was there. Craig and Dave got a discount hospital rate at a hotel down the street. They certainly enjoyed sleeping in beds and having a shower. I liked the shower I got the next morning. The 6 am blood test showed I was good to go, Kidneys fully functional again. I was released and the boys picked me up at 10. Whew what an adventure!

The doctor who showed up in the morning was very nice. He told me I was fine. He also told me that I ended up in the situation because I didn’t drink enough water. I had just as much as the other guys, the recommended 1 gallon per day. He said that because of my CF I should have double that when in a dry hot environment like the badlands. He also said that given my history of sports and activity on normal water intake that there was no way I would have known that I would need extra water. Just another lesson learned.

We packed up our gear, grabbed lunch and then closed the adventure at the Rapid City airport. I got on a plane to Miami. Craig and Dave went out to visit Mount Rushmore in the daytime before catching their planes. I had great BBQ sandwich in Memphis on my way home. We decided that next year we will take a canoe trip on a river with lots of water. No way for me to get in trouble on the water.

At the conclusion of this story, props must be given to Craig and Dave. It totally screwed up the last afternoon of the trip for them when I got sent up to the hospital. They came with me and stayed with me the whole time I was in the emergency room. Thanks guys, I owe you one.

Despite the terrors of the Badlands, The Fellowship had succeeded! The ring was destroyed and middle earth was safe for all again!



She is shaving my chest. She's enjoying it, you can tell by her smile.


They used this on me. It's labeled so they know which end to insert it. Craig was laughing so hard he couldn't hold the camera still.


Playing cards, waiting to be released. Dave's French fries are on the floor behind him.


This is the Urine jug they gave me to fill. I thought it looked like a beer stein.


Hotty nurse Amy fixing my IV. She has just told me that I have to fill both the cup and the jug or I can't leave. Ever.


Amy used this to confirm that I have a bladder. She was impressed by its size and capacity. Craig managed to hold the camera still while taking this shot.


The Fellowship!

The Fellowship: Hike Till Your Kidneys Stop

On the morning of the third day we looked to the east for David the white wizard. He must have missed the bus or something because he didn’t show.

The day dawned bright and sunny and we were psyched to find the back way over the mountains. After some breakfast we broke camp and started to walk up hill to the plateau that would lead us back to the car. At the top of the slope we stopped so I could rest a bit. I was feeling queasy and sure enough I booted all over Mother Nature. I was sad. Dave and Craig were surprised. Mother Nature was nonplussed. The climb had me breathing hard which pushed my breakfast back up. It happens on occasion. Well, nothing to do about it so we continued on above the Deer Havens and into the deep of the range. It was easier going as we walked along the ridge line looking for a way up the cliffs to our left. Craig was the scout as we searched for the promised path, scrambling like Gollum over all obstacles.

After about two hours of climbing and searching we reached the plateau shown on the map. It was high up but not flat, crisscrossed with eroded gaps and holes. We found endless draws and gullies that sapped our strength and barred the way to the parking lot. There was no way we were going to go over these mountains. Every time we got to the top of a ravine we found another ravine. They were too tall and too crumbly and full of ravines. Treacherous to us with our packs and tired feet. We would have to go around them, back the way we came in. It was a hard decision to leave adventure behind, but we all agreed it wouldn’t be so fun if we got all the way in and then had to come back out again. The prospect of so much extra walking/climbing made me want to vomit again. We turned around at about 10 am. It was nice to know exactly where we were going for a change. There was much rejoicing.

The sun grew high as we retraced our steps of day before. Down the ledge to the fence, through the bull field, and a long hike around the mountains. It was hot and we were running out of water. Not a good combination. By now I was dehydrated and feeling pretty crappy. We were forced to stop a few times so I could catch my wind and rest. As a bonus, we found a faint trail that led us on a straight route back to the car. The way we came in was long and winding, and I for one didn’t want to walk that much to get back. Here was where we really began to feel it from the relentless heat. There was no shade anywhere! The sun just poured itself upon us, baking us along with the rest of the landscape. What a relief when we topped a small rise and saw the Toilet building! I for one have never been so relieved to see a toilet… except for this once in Mexico…

We were all exhausted when we reached the car. Fortunately we had left some Gatorade and half a gallon of water in the car. It was grand despite its having been in the heat! We drank our fill and more. I was feeling crappy, tired and nauseous. I wanted a nap and a shower. Our new plan was to go out and see Mount Rushmore that afternoon and then get a hotel near the airport for the night. Maybe gamble a little at the casinos that were everywhere in Rapid City. The first stop was to the lodge to get some lunch at the restaurant there. During that ride I couldn’t even get out of the car for the scenic overlooks.

By the time we got to the lodge I was lightheaded all the time and really feeling bad. I managed to walk into the restaurant and sit down, then my stomach began the countdown to regurgitation and I had to move fast to make it to the bathroom. I passed Dave coming out as I went in. He’s lucky he didn’t have to go after me! I think I scared one of the gift shop cashiers as I blew chunks in the stall. OW! It came with a whole body cramp! Yipes! There was no way I could stand without having some muscle Charlie horse on me. I went outside to lie down and stretch out the cramps, which helped for a bit. Then I threw up again. I instantly regretted that decision. More full body cramps! Bad news for me hurts so much! This is the worst pain ever! By now it was clear that I needed help. I was rolling on the ground moaning.

We called a park Ranger. I figured I was dehydrated and had heat exhaustion. Hopefully the Ranger could hook me up to an IV of saline and I’d be good to go. Unfortunately they didn’t have that skill. You need to be an EMT 1 to do IV’s, and the park only had basic EMTs. So a call went out to get a paramedic who could start the IV. That meant I would have to visit an emergency room somewhere. We decided to go straight to Rapid City, since we were originally heading in that direction anyway. As we waited for the ambulance we learned that Gatorade is too strong for your system if you are in water deficiency. It’s just right if it’s mixed half and half with water. The ranger told us that he learned that while working on a forest fire crew. I had drunk a whole bottle as soon as I hit the car about an hour earlier. Doh!

The Kadoka ambulance arrived and I promptly Ralphed, just so they knew who the patient was. I got a trip up to the Rapid City Regional Hospital with Gary and Amy the paramedics. The paramedics started the IV in the back of the truck and felt much better. I was laid out on the gurney trying not to move so I wouldn’t cramp up again. Dave rode shotgun up front with the talkative driver. Craig followed us all the way in the gold rental car from Idaho. The paramedic noticed his driving skill, “That guys got a lead foot!”


Here I am looking hale and hearty at the start of the days journey. Love the hat!


Laying in the shade trying not to cramp or vomit. Notice Dave eating french fries.


The Park Rangers are on the Scene, but not to the rescue. Notice Dave still eating french fries.


Behold the Kadoka Ambulance!


Dave riding shotgun in the ambulance, still eating french fries. Where did he get so many?


Craig's eye view of the Ambulance chase out of the badlands. That guys got a lead foot! Yes, he's driving while taking the picture.

The Fellowship: Enter the Badlands

Sorting and repacking all our gear. We are not minimalist style campers. I think the Pilgrims brought less stuff.



















Craig and Dave share a moment on the White Table. I was right, the view was great from up there. Too bad we had to walk up, what was I thinking?



















We are lost as I take this Picture. We just don't know it yet.




Interior City Jail. Craig was very excited to find out where he'd be sleeping that night.



















The locals in the Sage Creek area. If they raise their tails straight up in the air it means they are getting ready to either attack you or defecate. Run either way.

When the sun reached its highest point on the first day, the ascendant king arrived in South Dakota. We welcomed him with hugs ad ritual shoe tossing. Then we drove for a long time though a whole lot of not much. We passed Scenic (Pop. 74) which has a real nice jungle gym. We stopped in Interior (Pop. 62) for gas, but they were out. Fortunately the Wagon Wheel bar down the street had some. Craig took time for a visit to the City Jail. We left full of gas and hungry for the last meal before the trail.

After a long time spent repacking and parceling out food we were ready for the big adventure. A nice drive out along the Badlands park loop got us all in the mood. Amazing terrain, like a technicolor moonscape. Fortunately there are pictures because I can’t describe it well. Particularly after absinthe. It’s big, and deep and very scary in parts. It’s easy to imagine why it’s called the badlands. Everything looked baked, the dirt, the grass, the buildings, the Buffalo chips, all of it. Even the river looked anemic.

We began our hike late in the afternoon and promptly got lost. The GPS that I had seemed a lot simpler to read in my kitchen. Out on the range it was tough. Fortunately we had a map and a compass. I fell back on my Boy Scout skills and got us headed in the right direction. It’s all backcountry so there aren’t trails, you just have to walk along wherever. We hiked beside the river and crossed it in a huge mud patch. The first goal was the white Table, the highest point around. I remember thinking that it’ll be cool to see the view, forgetting how much I hate climbing with a pack. It was high but we made it with about an hour to sundown and 3 miles to our campsite. We changed the plans and camped on the shanks of the white table on a ridge. That night brought a great sunset and more stars that I’d ever seen. With no trees and no city lights there was nothing but us and the heavens.

The morning of the second day, found us strong and ready for hiking. The planned hikes would take us over meandering prairie with lots of grass and rolling hills. Over breakfast we decided that we wanted to tackle the real tough parts. The naked cliffs of red and yellow, the sun blasted parched canyons, the baddest parts of the Badlands. We hiked back to the car and headed for Deer Haven. That was good because the GPS had erased our plotted course overnight somehow. It was map orienteering from now on.

At this point we’ve established that I haven’t seen any current movies or read any current books, so Craig and Dave filled me in on what I’m missing. Anchorman (seen that) is the touchstone for all conversation, there is no occurrence that a quote from that movie can not be applied to! We think we managed to quote over 30 movies while in the backcountry, including Evening at Harlow. Craig is putting that list together.

At 1:00 we walked out into the backcountry again. We ran into Shannon the Park Ranger before we headed out. She gave us an official mission to GPS the location of any fossils or animal skulls that we may find. She was hot. She was impressed with our goal to reach the Deer Havens. We are mighty manly men! Had we been thinking we would have had her show us on the map how to get there. At least she could have warned us about the fences!

This day turned out to be a lot longer than we thought. It was full of fits and starts as we wandered up and down the finger canyons looking for the path out to Deer Haven. Oh Deer Haven! It came to be a mythical place where the deer frolicked and the antelope played, and a discouraging word seldom is heard. Limpid pools of clear water await us, and Park Rangers will be there with dinner ready for us! The thing about the Badlands is that there is no shade anywhere from about 10 to 3. It’s just hot, real hot, with a breeze that sucks the life from your very skin.

We stopped for lunch around 2 and Dave ate half the Jelly.

We finally found the right trail and it ended in a cow pasture. A fence was built right through the trek! How does this happen? It’s not on the map! We climbed over it an kept going. We each independently decided there were bulls in the field but only mentioned it after we came through alive on the other side. We celebrated with a rest in some shade and granola bars.

Now we had to find a way up to the Deer haven. It is a raised plateau about 150 ft above the plain. I had a rough time going up but finally we found the way. The whole way up was crisscrossed with deep ravines and gullys. It made for slow going with our giant packs. At the top we were separated from the green fields by a deep ravine. Gollum found that way and led us into the sweet shady coolness of the Haven! A natural bridge over that let us past to the fabled land.

We were exhausted but excited. We enjoyed dinner very much that night. We also realized that we were short of water. Oops! There had been some leakage at lunch and we lost about half of our big container. Hopefully in the morning we could find a way out over the hills that would be easier. We had hiked around the whole mountain chain to get here. We didn’t like the idea of going back that way again. That evening there were more stars and lots of Guy talk.

The Fellowship: Friday Night Lights

I arrived triumphantly, with my checked backpack, in Rapid City South Dakota on Friday night. This inspired many looks of confusion as I marched out of the terminal with my arms raised shouting “I have come to tame thee, Lands of Badness!” (Foreshadowing alert!) I was real excited to have escaped Miami.

Craig and I headed into town to check find some food before setting up camp at the local KOA (Kampgrounds of America. Why the K? I don’t know. It was very confusing for me.) We had pretty much decided that at 10:30 at night our only real option was some kind of casino. There are lots of Casinos in Rapid City. That’s when we spied the Fair! Not just a fair, but a Fair and a Rodeo! That was where we had to be. We parked and then walked into the rodeo participant’s entrance, through the Rodeo stadium, and into the fair. Yes it was a stadium. I have pictures. Unfortunately the Rodeo was over for the night by the time we got there.

Example #1 of nice people in South Dakota. We stopped on the midway to get food from a local BBQ place. Two pulled pork sandwiches. When the guy gave us our sandwiches he also gave us our money back. The sandwiches were warm, but not piping hot as they should be and he didn’t feel right taking our money for them. Where does that ever happen? The sandwiches were delicious by the way. I could have eaten four. Craig settled for a Corn Dog. Nothing like meat on a stick.

Next we hit up the party tent. The party tent was full of big men with cowboy hats and large belt buckles. Craig and I felt a lot out of place. But we grabbed two Coors Lights from the bar and tried to blend in. There was a live band that alternated between classic rock and country songs. As soon as the classic rock began the dance floor cleared. Once the country began the dance floor was packed. It was awesome to watch. We didn’t actually speak to anyone. We feared speaking to girls, because their boyfriends might hit us. We feared talking to the guys, because we don’t know Rodeo. Well, I know of a Garth Brooks song about rodeo, but that’s about it.

After spending the night in a tent at the KOA we awoke refreshed and ready to begin the adventure. The adventure began with $1.00 all you can eat pancakes. Each made by the Pancake Cowboy. This guy looked like he walked right out of a movie. Grizzled guy with tattoos, cowboy hat and boots, smoked a pipe, and a big belt buckle. And he made pancakes. He said the record was 26 pancakes in one sitting. We got up to 8. He told us stories of the badlands and being a cowboy in Montana. He used to be a Sheriffs deputy and chased lawbreakers down on horseback. He killed five Grizzly Bears in two years in Idaho, but they weren’t good eating. He’d been bitten by Rattlesnakes three times and survived. He was the real deal, man, no mistaking.

The Pancake Cowboy made pancakes shaped like Spongebob Squarepants for little boys and pancakes shaped like Spongebob’s friend Patrick for the little girls. He mentioned that his cowboy friends don’t approve of this. He only made normal round ones for Craig and me.

Example #2 of nice people in South Dakota. We asked the Pancake Cowboy where we could go to pick up supplies for the trip. He pointed us to K-Mart for gear and the Family Thrifty Center for food. I asked him about picking up a Coleman fuel bottle for the stove. “A green one?” he asked, “I think I have one in back that I don’t use.” He went in the back and just gave me a whole bottle of fuel! Awesome! It was a good thing too because nowhere in Rapid City sells the blue bottle fuel for Craig’s stove. The guy at Wal-Mart told us “That’s for backpacking. Around here people don’t do that, they hunt.” We did get some good slingshots that we used protect ourselves from rattlesnakes and buffalos